Do you want to lead a better life and change and improve relationships with your parents, partners, and others? Look within yourself to know your values and develop boundaries. Focus on “being” more than “having” and “doing.” Today’s guest is Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, who talks about hijackers—how to identify and deal with toxic people in our lives. Rhoberta has authored 16 books on relationships and interpersonal dynamics.
Highlights of the show include:
● Definition of Hijackals: People who hijack relationships for their own purposes, and then relentlessly scavenge those relationships for power, status, and control
● Toxic people display specific patterns, traits, and cycles; as children, they learned what to do to survive and usually don’t choose to behave this way
● Different Dynamics: Most people are toxic at home, where they want to control someone
● Other people’s fears, concerns, and expectations put on you, make you doubt yourself
● How to identify hijackals:
○ No matter the topic, the other person has to be right or win the conversation
○ Black-or-White Thinking: Hijackals don’t have love to give you, they only have uses for you
○ Everything is your fault, over blaming by the hijackal
○ You try to please hijackal to gain their love; hijackals have little to no empathy
● Psychological diagnosis doesn’t matter; if they behave like a hijackal, then they are one
● Step out of situations and comfortable being uncomfortable, despite possible alienation
● Hijackal Parents: Foster care may have been better; it’s not you, but them
● Life After Hijackals: Compassion, grief, transform, and take care of yourself
Links and Resources:
Dr. Rhoberta Shaler
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition: DSM-5
Dr. Michelle Rozen
Quotes by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler:
“Google is an index, not a psychological professional.”
“All hijackals drink from the same pool of traits.”
“Most people are toxic at home, where they really like to have power and control.”
“Hijackals often paint a public picture of perfection, while at home creating a private place of pain.”